Releasing control

Releasing control

Almost a year ago at Satori I made a prayer to release the ways control shows up in my life. After almost a year of my life being regularly turned upside down and inside out I can see what a bold move that prayer was… Anytime I attempt to hold onto anything life does a quick and unexpected reshuffle… The lessons in uncertainty keep coming thick and fast. Sometimes I surrender gracefully and sometimes I fight. So yes, the control is still working it’s way through my body and psyche. Loving myself through the grace and the fight. Sometimes questioning how much more life is going to ask of me. All I know is I don’t know anything. And then I breathe the surrender through my body and let go again. My centre and self-trust and self-love expands with each and every challenge. I know my prayer was received by the divine – loud and clear. And so I take this surrender, this not knowing, this grace and this deep trust in the divine into ‘The Pleasure Intensive’ retreat this weekend. Maybe this year at Satori I can make a prayer for a gentle year in...
Fierce Love

Fierce Love

Fierce love is a big theme for me these days. The kind of love that has a higher vision, the love that knows when to say yes and no, the kind of love that roars when integrity is missing, the love that the wild feminine embodies, the kind of love that instinctively arises in the body, the love that fuels individuals and communities to move towards something greater. Fierce love says no to playing small, no to playing games, no to manipulation and control, no to anything which is suppressing or anti-life, says no to playing out the drama and bullshit, says no to feeding petty agendas. I say no to anything in myself that is unsupportive to me or those around me. I say no to others bringing these games into my space. And I give up “playing nice” to please people. I have made this commitment before. but a whole new level of unravelling is happening right now. I say yes to embracing my power and yes to releasing the fear that keeps me small. I give up the need to nurture and mother everyone, as I have given away too much of my energy doing this and not respected myself. It’s time for fierce love to take its place, it’s time for a more full version of the embodied...
Home inside of me

Home inside of me

In a heartbeat everything can feel different. And it’s hard to pin it down to exactly which conversation, exactly which sharing, which inner acknowledgement or realisation created the shift – or was it the full moon eclipse? Moving from feelings of darkness and despair into deep open-hearted acceptance of me, of the strangeness of life, of the knowing that yes, there are difficult situations in my external, but only I am responsible for the inner world… Realising that the magic I seek lives inside of me… And refocusing again toward a strong intent, love and desire on the inside. I know this place, this is home inside of me, and when the chaos and noise become too much on the outside it’s easy to get lost, it’s easy to become overwhelmed when the feeling of deep, old traumas have been reactivated consistently. And yet, now, with this refocusing… There’s me again, there’s the deep wellspring of love, and the space outside of me opens again too: new conversations, acknowledgement of the patterns that no longer hold me. And reflected back to me, mirrors of loving grace and beauty! And home inside of me. Home in my body. Home in my own world. Acceptance of the lazy, unmotivated parts of me, acceptance of the dark and despairing me, acceptance of the inspirational, fun-loving and light me who can laugh at herself and life, acceptance of the deep, deep heart that feels so much. And loving it all. Sitting in the fire, all over again. And this time it’s in the fire with the power of my own heart reflected back...
Dark Night of the Soul v57

Dark Night of the Soul v57

9-29th September 2014 I prefer to stay away from clichés where I can… But there’s just no other way to describe this gut-wrenching purging that is tearing me apart from the inside out. My head is confused, my heart feels torn apart daily, my gut twisted, my nerves on edge. And when it gets too much I feel destructive, I want to rage at god (whoever the hell that is). I want to rage at the people I love and the people I don’t love. I want to tear up the things that don’t work in my life, and on some days I even want to tear up the things that work, so that I get to do it before it gets taken out of my hands and someone else destroys it. I have never felt so out of control… I have never had my life pulled out at the roots so violently as it has been this year. I have never before looked and felt trauma, despair and chaos all around me. But this year, that’s how it has been for an extended period of time. I have had moments of lightness, fun, inspiration and hope and laughter. And then right on the back of that is the trauma again… and I wonder when it will stop. What I have come to accept is that it will (or maybe it won’t) stop one day, but for now it’s my time to fall apart. This is the year that my life rearranges itself from the inside out. This is the year for all my conditioning and beliefs and any structures...
A personal share.. and my advice to myself. Maybe it can help you too.

A personal share.. and my advice to myself. Maybe it can help you too.

So many of us are going through big transitions right now. For some it is in the external environments activating the internal; others have quieter external environments but are still feeling strongly activated internally. I have had a lot of external activations and big transitions all around me for 12 months now. There have been many situations that have been really difficult to deal with and sometimes I haven’t had the resources to deal with the particularly traumatic circumstances happening around me… and that included my own personal life and the lives of people I hold dear in my heart. What I am noticing as I hold myself more closely is that my inner world was always going to go through transition this year: this year is the year for my world to change. So whether these external events had happened or not, my consciousness had its own plan for this year – the further dismantling of my patterns, my beliefs, the holding in my body, the identification with the external, the identity of me in a particular way. And so I am still quite strongly in a lot of transitions and I am more able to stay present with the challenge than I was a few months ago when the state of trauma in my body was at an all time high… However, I need to monitor my energy and my choices day by day. How much energy do I have available for work, for social interactions, for conversations? It’s a very vulnerable place for someone like myself who has always been so identified with being capable. It’s...
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